Just a little set back

My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) office called yesterday. It seems that, due to the fact that I threatened preterm at 30 weeks and delivered the twins at 35 weeks, I'm going to have to have a meeting with a Perinatologist. I called yesterday to make an appointment and was told that they couldn't see me until NOVEMBER. I was not going to take that answer, so I insisted that they try to squeeze me in sooner. I'll meet with the doctor on Sept. 10. There is a small chance that we'll be able to move forward in October, but November is looking more likely.

So many decisions to make

I really don't know what to say right now. Last weekend, I met a wonderful couple, they would make wonderful parents, yet why can't I kick the feeling that they are not the ones that I'm supposed to help? I know they are not the ones, and now I have to find a way to tell them. As soon as I started to have this feeling, I recieved a call from a dear friend. She was going to be a surrogate for another couple, but things weren't working out for them at the moment (darn insurance!), and she was wondering if I was still available. I talked with this other hopeful mother-to-be and immediately fell in love. It just felt right. She wants a baby for the right reasons, her husband wants a baby equally as much, their clinic is local, but they are not. It's perfect for me. So, I'm moving forward with them. Today I need to tell couple #1 that I am sorry, I'm a terrible person, but I just can't help them. They are going to be heartbroken, but I have to go with what feels right to me.

One Year Ago...

One year ago today my life changed. I did something that I never thought possible, I dug deep and found strength that I didn't know I had. On July 20, 2007 at 35 weeks I gave birth to healthy, boy/girl twins. Not my twins, but the twins of a chidless couple. I was their Gestational Surrogate, or "carrier" as some would rather call it. It was one of the best things in my life, and somehow one of the worst. It changed the person that I am. It made me question everything, trust no one, and be the weak one who had to lean on someone else. I'm thankful that my husband was my rock and stood by me every step of the way. Over the past year, the harsh reality that the promises that were made to me were merely a means to a child for this couple, shook me to the core. It also made me realize that life will go on, and I deserve my happy ending. This brings me to surrogacy #2, something I swore I would never do, but something I feel I need to do. I know that the people close to me will caution me against it, out of fear of watching me be hurt all over again. Fortuntely, I have the support of my husband again, and I know that that is what matters.
Today, July 20, 2008, was a date that I dreaded. Deep down I hoped I would hear from the twins' parents. I hoped that they would think of me and realize how they hurt me. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't. Instead, I met some new potential parents for me to carry for. What a way to bring things full circle. This couple is so deserving of being parents, they want nothing more. I would love to be able to give them that gift, and yet I find myself hung up on the fact that I trusted my gut the first time, and I got hurt. I don't trust my gut this time. If I'm going to do this again, I'm going to have to learn to trust again, and that is hard.